Článek
Slovák Koloman emigroval do Ameriky a začal tam pracovat jako řidič autobusu.
Byl ale poněkud prchlivý, a tak se mu jednoho dne stalo, že když narazil na pasažéra bez lístku, nevšímal si vůbec jeho výmluv, popadl ho za krk a řekl: „Sorry, chlape, nemůžu tu mít lidi bez lístku!“ a vyhodil ho otevřenými dveřmi ven, kde dopadl na vozovku a přejelo ho auto. Kolomana za to uvěznili, přišili mu vraždu a porota ho poslala na elektrické křeslo.
Když přišel den popravy, dostal podle starého zvyku poslední jídlo podle přání. Poručil si spoustu banánů a snědl je, pak už ho přivedli ke křeslu, oholili, připoutali, kat zatáhl za páku a… nic se nestalo. Vyzkoušeli všechny okruhy, pustili proud znovu, zase nic. Jelikož poprava proběhla a za jeden skutek nemůže být člověk trestán dvakrát, museli Kolomana pustit.
Koloman si po čase našel práci u jiné autobusové společnosti a jednou, když kontroloval lístky, narazil na malého kluka.
„Máš lístek, kluku?“ zeptal se.
„Eeeee… asi jsem ho omylem snědl…“ řekne kluk.
„Tak pardon, nemůžu tu mít lidi bez lístku!“ A kluk vyletí za jízdy dveřmi, dopadne na silnici a přejede ho další autobus. Koloman je znovu zatčen a odsouzen na elektrické křeslo. Znovu se ho zeptají na poslední jídlo, znovu si dá banánů, co sní, ale tentokrát se na něj připraví, pečlivě omyjí křeslo i odsouzencovy ruce, aby na nich nezůstal banánový sliz, a dvakrát zatáhnou za páku… ale na Kolomanovi se nezvedne ani chlup. Podle zákona ho tak musí znova pustit.
A představte si, Koloman si najde práci u další společnosti! A tentokrát narazí na starého rabína, co nemá lístek, vyhodí ho za límec z autobusu, a i ten zemře. Koloman je znovu zavřen, obviněn z vraždy, odsouzen na elektrické křeslo. A znovu je dotázán na poslední jídlo a znovu si poručí banány a všechny sní. Tentokrát ředitel věznice dorazí osobně, aby všechno zkontroloval, nařídí křeslo vydrbat drátěnkou a Kolomanovi rozedřít kůži v místě kontaktu s elektrodami až do krve, vyzkouší křeslo na dalších odsouzencích… Všechno funguje hladce. Kolomana uvážou do křesla, ředitel věznice osobně zatáhne za páku, jednou, dvakrát… a zase nic, odsouzenec musí být podle zákona znovu propuštěn… Ale než stačí vstát z křesla, ředitel celý šílený vztekem zařve:
„Chlape, jak to, že už jsi to tady potřetí přežil!?!“
„Neviem“, řekne Koloman. „Možno som iba zlý vodič…“
--- anglická verze ---
Koloman from Slovakia arrived to America and began working for a bus company as a conductor. He was, however, more than a bit itchy and once, when he came across a man without a ticket, he didn’t pay attention to any of his excuses, just exclaimed:
„Sorry sir, can’t have any passengers without tickets on my bus!“ while grabbing him by the scruff of the neck and throwing him bodily out of the open doors of the bus. The man he landed on the road and was run over by a passing car. Naturally, Koloman was arrested and thrown in jail. His deed was qualified as a murder and a jury found him guilty. Koloman was thus sentenced to death by electrocution.
The day of his execution came up, and he was asked, by tradition, what he would like for his last meal. He asked for a banana. They gave it to him, he ate it, and was escorted to the chair. The executioner strapped him in, hooked everything up. Last, he threw the big switch once, and nothing happened. So, he checked all circuits and did it again, and nothing happened. Well, by law Koloman was legally executed and no one can be executed twice for the same deed, so they had to release him.
Oddly enough, Koloman got a job at another bus company, as a conductor. One day, he was gathering tickets, and came face to face with a little boy. „Young man, do you have your ticket?“ asked the conductor.
„Eeeee… I’m sorry, I ate it by mistake,“ said the little boy.
„Sorry then, I can’t have any passengers without tickets on my bus!“
And the same thing happened: the boy was thrown off the bus and killed by a passing bus. Koloman was arrested again, sentenced to death by electrocution. The death row guard asked him what he would like for his meal, he asked for bananas again. He ate them and was escorted to the death chamber. This time, though, they washed his hands to get rid of any banana slime, they washed up the chair. Next, they placed him the chair, and hooked him up. The executioner pulled the switch once, twice… and nothing happened, not even a single hair raising on the Koloman’s chest. Well, as the law says, they had to let him go…
Even more amazingly, he got a job at yet another bus company! This time it was a rabbi who had no ticket and Koloman threw him off the bus and rabbi died. Koloman was again arrested, convicted of murder and sentenced to death by electrocution. When the guard asked him what he would like for a last meal, he asked for bananas. He ate them all, and was escorted to the chamber. This time the prison director comes in person to check everything. They scrubbed the contact points on his body as well as the chair with a steel wool. They tried the chair on a few other prisoners… Everything functions smoothly.
Okay, they strapped him in the chair and the director personally threw the switch once, a second time, nothing happened. At this point they had to release the convict again…
But, before Koloman could leave, the director, extremely frustrated, asks in yelling: „HOW COME YOU DIDN'T DIE FOR THE THIRD TIME!?!?“
„I dunno,“ replied Koloman, „Maybe I am simply a bad conductor…“
